To find ... what again?

I have been in India for about 4 days at this point but if feels like half a lifetime. Each day goes by SO SLOWLY. Every moment, every gesture, every exchange is new and fascinating. Some of the time I feel like an alien completely overwhelmed and exhausted, but most of the time I feel like a small child intoxicated with life and head-over-heels in love and in awe of every aspect of everthing.

Lesson One in India: Everything you thought you knew, every bit of advice you read about or were given by well intending friends and family, every instinct you have about how to read other people and how to be polite is pretty much wrong. I really am like an infant at this point. I am learning a whole vocabulary of how to behave step by step, day by day, situation by situation, and awkard mistake by awkward mistake. Therefore I have decided that I will take you through with me as I go (from one concrete thing to the next).

For example right now: I am sitting typing at this computer on this very small desk that a man has decided to clean. I awkwardly apologized and made to move away at which he protested and gestured for me to continue. I smiled and sat back down (do i leave, do i go? which is polite? i dont know- best i can do is smile right?) he grins back and now he stares at me the whole time while he cleans. I realize that i have flirted with this man. He continues to clean for over 10 minutes (the same spots on this very small desk) and then smiles and waves goodbye. I smile and wave too (okay yay this moment is over!) he grins very wide, winks and laughs. Great- i just flirted with him AGAIN.

This situation is a very small example of what goes on ALL OF THE TIME. (he has left by the way) Not always the awkwardness of gender relations, although that is very awkward to get used to, but the awkwardness of everything in my life- talking to street vendors, sharing a confused moment with a woman trying to teach me how to worship a Goddess in the temple (in Tamil), refusing a beggar, almost getting mowed down by a bicycle which is almost getting mowed down by a giant bus. I just have not yet learned how to BE in this country. Give it time. Time.

Okay so small topic of today is streets:
They are insane. Absolutely nuts. There are people all around traveling by such a plethora of different vehicles. The traffic laws seem to basically be a hierarchy- if you are bigger, you win. Horns are used as a way of saying- "hey what's up! I'm here!" so they are used pretty much non stop. The noise and commotion sweeps you away, completely overwhelming your consciousness.

Additionally, people stare and point openly at us, sometimes they call out. In general all this attention embarrased and overwhelmed me at first. If you can embrace it though, you realize that really they are just interested in you the way that you are interested in them. The culture here is more foward and friendly than in the states so their attempts to engage me feel abrasive. I am learning though, not to instinctively withdraw from this but rather to open myself up. I realized that I came here feeling guilty about who I was and where I came from, perhaps from hearing so many times about how the rest of the world "hates Americans". This made me self-conscious, unnecessarily apologetic and quick to assume that people were laughing at me. After learning (credit: Dr. Eial) that many Indians actually love Americans and really are excited that we are participating in their culture, I have resolved to just delve in, to go for it. I am here because I love your culture! I want to learn from you.

still very much in that first "f"of culture shock,
yours fascinatedly,
Ali

And so it begins!

I am sitting in the airport in Frankfurt Germany. I am surrounded by a huge plethora of languages and currencies. I went to buy myself some breakfast after changing some of my money to Euros and was greeted by a sign that listed about 20 different kinds of currency that thez accepted, including US dollars. Ah well. The woman working in the little cafe was amazing- she kept switching languages as customers from all around the world tried to purchase her treats.

The computer I am using is basically like a payphone- you insert coins and get some internet time. The keyboard is clunky and awkward though which caused me much frustration in the beginning (after sending a few emails, I am quite a pro now). The y and z keys are switched...

So far our little group of 12 students seems prettz awesome. There are 11 girls (including me) and 1 boy- Sahil. He is a great sport. My trans- atlantic flight was not too bad, but I am jittery from a combination of EXCITEMENT, nerves, lack of sleep and this cold steel keyboard.

Oh! I recieved a camera as an early birthdaz/ going away present so I will be able to upload pictures soon! (Thank you again Mike!!!!!!!!!). I have one picture that I want to share with you all because it is quite precious even though it is much closer to home than I am now! The airport in albany has the loveliest little meditation room that I just about peed myself over. I spent quite a quantity of time showering the room in love (and taking a picture of course). It was such a warm space, I could sense that many others before me had held it just as dear.

Anyway this is is my last entry before I finally arrive on the subcontinent itself. I will keep blogging as often as I can.

Thanks for reading, as always!

Also, here's a little love from the german keyboard: ßßöä °°° üü§§§§€€€ €ß63öä9ß3ü3€ö€

New Country Resolutions

 As I reach this precipice in my life, this moment of transfer from one phase to another, I am taking the opportunity to make some resolutions. The New Year has always seemed an odd time to do this because it separates two periods that are otherwise substantively identical. What is the real difference between 2012 and 2013 other than the number?  I like making resolutions at moments of change- the beginning of a school year, the beginning of a new job, the beginning of a new friendship, and now, the beginning of a new country.

Resolution 1: Floss. I have to credit Carla in this resolution. It was her last New Years resolution and I loved the simplicity and feasibility in it. Flossing is also frightfully important as my dentist continues to tell me time and time again. Did you know that if you had to choose between spending those precious few minutes flossing and brushing your teeth, it would actually be better to floss? I always think that I don’t have time. This is kibosh. If I ever actually do not have time in my days to floss my teeth, the structure of my days must change. I also credit Mary Catherine and Charlotte in this resolution- two inspiring, conscientious flossers.

Resolution 2: Yoga. Yoga makes my body feel powerful and alive in a way that nothing else ever has. I do not yet know what presence it will have in my life but I intend to explore it more in the bit of earth it calls home.

Resolution 3: Never wait. I hereby resolve to eject the word wait from my life.

The thing is, waiting is not in fact an act; it is a state. To wait is to be stuck in time, doing nothing in the nothingness waiting for a something to arrive. Sometimes it can be accompanied by emotions such as dread or anticipation, but the emotions are separate from the physical waiting. I am no longer going to allow myself to waste present moments in thoughts consumed with the future. Of course I will still allow feelings of anticipation and dread to pass through me- trying to wall off emotions is like trying to capture light in a jar. However, I will concentrate on looking for something I can appreciate about each moment that is given to me in and of itself. 

            Ex 1: Waiting for my bus to arrive at the greyhound station is a chance to look upon, really look upon my compatriots. What is America? Who is this American that I am going to be representing in India? Also people watching can be hilariously fun… (shout- out to the funny man next to me massaging his nipples while he reads a book about body building and exercise)

            Ex 2: Rather than viewing these days as waiting for my plane to India, I have decided to cherish them as the last few moments in a long time that I will spend with my family in my home. I am going to soak in the normalcy of life in America, the comfort of feeling at home and stable.

I have to speak a bit to where this third resolution came from. The last week or so of July was a painful time for my family. It marked the passing of my grandmother from this world into another. As usual though, the days before it happened were in many ways more difficult than the days after. She was in a coma and although she was still breathing, it was clear that she was already gone. We would set alarms every two hours day or night to administer her drugs (mostly just to relieve the pain at that point). We would try to keep her clean and comfortable (far more difficult than it sounds). We would moisten her lips with water to keep them from breaking apart and we would do our best to keep her dentures from falling out. Aside from gaining an enormous appreciation for my three aunts- Ana Maria, Jane, and Sue, you are all miracle workers, I gained a new appreciation for empty time. We were all in her home together sitting around passing the time watching the Olympics and sitting with Grandma. At first it seemed to me like we were just waiting for her to die- I mean weren’t we? We had all halted our lives to be together and would fly back to our respective worlds once she passed.  But as the days went on, I realized that that was missing the point of the whole thing. We weren’t waiting for her to die, we were savoring the last few days of her life. She was already gone and we couldn’t spend them with her, but we could still spend them in a way that honored her memory, with each other. I got to know many members of my family in a way that I never have before. I am related to so many incredibly strong, capable, and beautiful people. It was a blessing to be able to come together around Grandma and shower her and each other in love and support as she embarked on a journey out of our lives. To say that we were waiting demonstrates a misunderstanding of the entire situation. We were receiving, cherishing, sending, supporting, loving and growing, but we were not waiting. 

Well that got a little longer than I meant it to. I guess that is what happens when I am cramped on a bus with nothing but my thoughts to entertain me.

Happy August.

p.s.  As much as I loathe how dreadfully cold this greyhound bus is that I am on, I am trying to appreciate the cold. Who knows how many buses I will be on in India which will make me want to vomit from the heat?  Thank you greyhound for giving me this taste of the arctic right before I venture to the equator.