New Country Resolutions

 As I reach this precipice in my life, this moment of transfer from one phase to another, I am taking the opportunity to make some resolutions. The New Year has always seemed an odd time to do this because it separates two periods that are otherwise substantively identical. What is the real difference between 2012 and 2013 other than the number?  I like making resolutions at moments of change- the beginning of a school year, the beginning of a new job, the beginning of a new friendship, and now, the beginning of a new country.

Resolution 1: Floss. I have to credit Carla in this resolution. It was her last New Years resolution and I loved the simplicity and feasibility in it. Flossing is also frightfully important as my dentist continues to tell me time and time again. Did you know that if you had to choose between spending those precious few minutes flossing and brushing your teeth, it would actually be better to floss? I always think that I don’t have time. This is kibosh. If I ever actually do not have time in my days to floss my teeth, the structure of my days must change. I also credit Mary Catherine and Charlotte in this resolution- two inspiring, conscientious flossers.

Resolution 2: Yoga. Yoga makes my body feel powerful and alive in a way that nothing else ever has. I do not yet know what presence it will have in my life but I intend to explore it more in the bit of earth it calls home.

Resolution 3: Never wait. I hereby resolve to eject the word wait from my life.

The thing is, waiting is not in fact an act; it is a state. To wait is to be stuck in time, doing nothing in the nothingness waiting for a something to arrive. Sometimes it can be accompanied by emotions such as dread or anticipation, but the emotions are separate from the physical waiting. I am no longer going to allow myself to waste present moments in thoughts consumed with the future. Of course I will still allow feelings of anticipation and dread to pass through me- trying to wall off emotions is like trying to capture light in a jar. However, I will concentrate on looking for something I can appreciate about each moment that is given to me in and of itself. 

            Ex 1: Waiting for my bus to arrive at the greyhound station is a chance to look upon, really look upon my compatriots. What is America? Who is this American that I am going to be representing in India? Also people watching can be hilariously fun… (shout- out to the funny man next to me massaging his nipples while he reads a book about body building and exercise)

            Ex 2: Rather than viewing these days as waiting for my plane to India, I have decided to cherish them as the last few moments in a long time that I will spend with my family in my home. I am going to soak in the normalcy of life in America, the comfort of feeling at home and stable.

I have to speak a bit to where this third resolution came from. The last week or so of July was a painful time for my family. It marked the passing of my grandmother from this world into another. As usual though, the days before it happened were in many ways more difficult than the days after. She was in a coma and although she was still breathing, it was clear that she was already gone. We would set alarms every two hours day or night to administer her drugs (mostly just to relieve the pain at that point). We would try to keep her clean and comfortable (far more difficult than it sounds). We would moisten her lips with water to keep them from breaking apart and we would do our best to keep her dentures from falling out. Aside from gaining an enormous appreciation for my three aunts- Ana Maria, Jane, and Sue, you are all miracle workers, I gained a new appreciation for empty time. We were all in her home together sitting around passing the time watching the Olympics and sitting with Grandma. At first it seemed to me like we were just waiting for her to die- I mean weren’t we? We had all halted our lives to be together and would fly back to our respective worlds once she passed.  But as the days went on, I realized that that was missing the point of the whole thing. We weren’t waiting for her to die, we were savoring the last few days of her life. She was already gone and we couldn’t spend them with her, but we could still spend them in a way that honored her memory, with each other. I got to know many members of my family in a way that I never have before. I am related to so many incredibly strong, capable, and beautiful people. It was a blessing to be able to come together around Grandma and shower her and each other in love and support as she embarked on a journey out of our lives. To say that we were waiting demonstrates a misunderstanding of the entire situation. We were receiving, cherishing, sending, supporting, loving and growing, but we were not waiting. 

Well that got a little longer than I meant it to. I guess that is what happens when I am cramped on a bus with nothing but my thoughts to entertain me.

Happy August.

p.s.  As much as I loathe how dreadfully cold this greyhound bus is that I am on, I am trying to appreciate the cold. Who knows how many buses I will be on in India which will make me want to vomit from the heat?  Thank you greyhound for giving me this taste of the arctic right before I venture to the equator.